We all have an inner critic that tells us we're not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough, that little voice in our head that criticizes us and makes us doubt ourselves. This inner critic can be particularly harsh when we make mistakes or fail at something.
But why do we have an inner critic? Throughout childhood, we hear a lot of harsh remarks and criticism from the people around us, including our parents, caretakers, teachers, and peers. Even hearing the adults in our life speak harshly about themselves can leave a lasting impression. This can have a significant impact on the way our brains develop, as we internalize this harsh language and it becomes our inner critic. As we move into adulthood, this inner critic can become the filter through which we see the world.
So, how can we overcome our inner critic and become our own inner coach? The answer is self-compassion. Self-compassion is the act of being kind, gentle, and understanding with ourselves. It's about treating ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we would offer to a good friend.
Research has shown that self-compassion can lead to a wide range of benefits, including increased happiness, reduced stress and anxiety, and improved physical health. When we're kind to ourselves, we're more likely to take care of our physical and emotional needs, which leads to greater overall wellbeing. Basically what we’re aiming for is the voice inside you becoming your ally and supporter rather than tearing you down. I remember the first time my inner voice responded with kindness rather than judgement and it was a game changer for me.
So how do we cultivate compassion for ourselves? The first step in practising mindfulness is to learn to separate ourselves from our thoughts. Mindfulness teaches us that we are not our thoughts. We are actually the awareness that observes our thoughts. It can be a bit tricky to wrap our heads around at first, because we tend to identify strongly with our thoughts and believe they define us. But mindfulness reminds us that thoughts are just passing mental events that come and go in our minds. They are not fixed or permanent, and they don't define who we are as people. By practising mindfulness, we can learn to observe our thoughts without getting caught up in them, and this can help us to not get swept away by self critical thoughts.
When we realise that our thoughts don't define us, we can learn to observe them without getting caught up in them. It's like watching a storm from far away instead of being in the middle of it - we can still feel it, but we're not overwhelmed by it. This can help us see things more clearly and feel stronger even when we're dealing with tough emotions.
It's also important to pay attention and look deeply to our thoughts when they're happening. Each time we notice a difficult thought, it's a chance for us to learn more about why we're feeling that way. For example, if we keep thinking negative things about ourselves, it might be because we were bullied in the past. Instead of getting scared or upset by these thoughts, we can try to understand where they're coming from and show compassion for ourselves. We can imagine holding our younger selves and offering comfort to the parts of us that were hurt before. This can help us heal from our past experiences and accept our thoughts and feelings rather than running from them. Gaining insight from our difficult thoughts is a key part of the path of freeing ourselves from suffering.
Finally, we can set the intention every day to change the language we use to speak to ourselves. Think about it - how often do we say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else? This negative self-talk can have a huge impact on our well-being. That's why it's important to regularly check in with the language we use, and ask ourselves if it's true and kind.
When we catch ourselves saying something negative, we can test if it's true. Is it really true that we're not good enough, or that we'll never succeed? Often, these thoughts are just stories we tell ourselves, and they don't reflect reality.
Once we've tested if it's true, we can then ask ourselves if it's kind. Would we say this to a friend who is struggling? Of course not! So why do we say it to ourselves? Instead, we can set the intention to use words of compassion towards ourselves every day. We can speak to ourselves with the same kindness and support that we would offer to a good friend.
Learn more and listen to a guided meditation on turning your inner critic into a coach:
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