At a Plum Village retreat, a young woman asked the great zen master Thich Nhat Hanh (or Thay) “how do I become more stable so I don’t need to seek affirmations outside of myself?” Thay talked about the work of his volunteer group during the Vietnam war to try to bring peace between the warring sides and reduce the suffering of the people. He was accused by each side of being in league with the other. He didn’t take sides in war despite the accusations because of the values he held. He was described by MLK as “an apostle of peace and non-violence.” Through his practice and values he made a decision to engage in peace and love that others did not approve of.
Needing approval from others is something I’ve struggled with in my life - in my younger days I lacked the confidence to make my own decisions to the point where I felt paralysed, lost and not in control of my life. If that’s something you feel sometimes, be kind to yourself and remember that we are where we are because of the experiences we’ve had in life. You don’t have to beat yourself up for not being super decisive and looking to other people to validate what you’re doing.
But there is a danger in needing the approval of others. You can end up becoming a social chameleon, bending your personality to fit what pleases other people. You can live a life that seems right to your parents, friends or peers but is not true to yourself. We touched on this in the episode on handling criticism in Feb 2021. You can end up feeling like a prisoner, struggling to see how to escape.
Its very easy to believe that you’re the only person who feels insecure and needs approval. Other people are good at putting up a front like they don’t have a care in the world, they don’t care what other people think. I would invite you to look past the surface, look deeply and see that everyone is suffering and most people feel a need for validation from others. You are not alone.
As well as looking deeply into other people, we need to look deeply into ourselves. When we look into our insecurity, what beliefs underlie it? What experiences connect from the past and influence the model of the world that we filter our true experience through?
Key to making choices without validation are values and principles. They provide us with a framework that informs our decision and helps us to live our life confidently. The practice of meditation can provide us with a lot of these and its easy to think of examples:
- Being present - Happiness only exist in the moment we’re in
- Empathy - your suffering is my suffering
- Equanimity - accepting whats it front of you without reacting to it
- Non judgement
The list goes on (and you can find more in TNH’s 5MT and JKZ’s 7 attitudes) but this is the framework that I choose to live my life by - more importantly this represents the world that I would like to live in. Other people disagree with it, some would ridicule it but because I’ve made a decision that this is my framework, I feel confident in it and I don’t need approval from other people. More than that I don’t mind if other people laugh at my decisions. I don’t live up to those values perfectly, especially equanimity, but they inform my choices.
The question for you is - what's your framework? I guarantee that you have one but it’s not surfaced in your mind or written out. I’d encourage you to do just that, take the values and beliefs and write them down. If you’re struggling then google a list of values and see which ones resonate with you. What's important is not to get attached to that framework and not to judge other people for having a different ethical framework to you.
Its easy to think of alternatives - rather than empathy a person might choose self sufficiency instead. I would encourage you not to clash and debate with others on values and beliefs, especially on social media. You will not convince them through words, instead they’re likely to retrench into their beliefs and pull away. Its part of the reason why in many countries we have such a great political divide.
The example of your life is much more effective and much more important. Show other people the impact of your values, the effect it has on your life and others. Seeing the joy in your life and your connection to human beings will plant the seed in their mind.
Finally, just to state the obvious - you don’t need the approval of other people. Everything you need to be happy is here and now, You are an incredible continuation of the history of the universe, the environment and the human race, wrapped up in your incredible body and mind.
You can see the attachment in your mind to the approval of others - see it like you can see your hand in front of you. You can smile to it, thank it for trying to protect you and you can let it go. Seeing it each time those insecure thoughts arise you can let it go again and again and again until it disappears over the horizon. Freedom is possible.
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