Breaking down your greatest fear

Fear is something we don’t like to talk about, we especially don’t like to admit that we struggle. It can be paralysing, we can feel it in our gut, our chest, our head. We’re afraid of fear, we don’t like experiencing it. But its there to protect us, keep us safe from harm. Its reasonable to be afraid of dangerous animals or falling off a cliff. Those kind of fears we tend to be born with and are not really bad things unless you like base jumping or wrestling with wolves. I’m quite happy without those things in my life.

But many of our fears come from traumas, bad experiences early in our lives that we unconsciously take lessons from. Most of the time that lesson is, lets never do that ever again. It could be lets not trust people anymore, or don’t get into conflict. Later in our lives, we develop the skills to process and reflect on our experiences but as children we’re still learning to understand our feelings. We’re more like to be scarred by traumatic experiences and unconsciously carry that through our lives as the seeds of our anxiety.

Those seeds grow into our conscious mind when the circumstances encourage them to. It might be going through a stressful period of your life or it could be specific circumstances that align with your trauma. Either way, the seeds of your fear bloom and rob you of your peace and your joy. When it arrives, we panic, hit the alarm bells, believe something must be wrong and we run, trying to escape what we’re feeling. We avoid fear at all costs, and frequently that cost is our happiness.

I’ve mentioned my own fear of public speaking before, the seeds of that lie in my childhood as most fears do. Mindfulness has helped me to make that connection, to see that I was attached to the idea of how people perceived me and bring awareness to the thoughts of inadequacy I experience. You might have come across the concept of imposter syndrome, the idea that at some point you’ll be caught out, people will realise that you don’t really know what you’re doing and call you out. I’ve felt that in my job but also in sharing the mindfulness practice. Who am I to do this? I’m not Thich Nhat Hanh or Jon Kabat Zinn. But of course I don’t have to be. Realising this I can, let go of the idea that I need to be a zen master or a world class communicator. I’m just some guy that wants other people to feel the joy of letting go that I’ve experienced and that’s good enough.

So what about your greatest fear? Fear of losing someone? Fear of being in an intimate relationship? Where did it come from? What is the belief that underlies it? Could you write that sentence out and ask yourself whether it’s true, whether its kind, whether its necessary? Can you pinpoint the event that triggered that belief? Can you remember the earliest point you felt that fear? Hold the child that experienced that trauma in your arms. Tell them that it’s OK to be afraid. There’s no shame in fear. We can accept our fear, smile to our fear. We can accept even our trauma without judgement. Its only by going through this process that over time we can let go.

What I’ve just described is not easy and its a journey best not travelled alone. Whether its a  trusted friend or a therapist, get some support to help you turn over the rock. Its also best to prepare yourself for that journey with a calm mind. I would recommend practicing daily for a few weeks and choosing a stable time in your life to approach your fear.