A listener of the MfB podcast called Chris got in touch with me recently, he’s going through a very difficult time. HIs wife told him that she didn’t want to continue with the marriage - he knew they had problems but wasn’t aware that things had reached this stage. Understandably he’s feeling incredibly sad and anxious about the future. How can mindfulness help Chris and the millions of others experiencing the end of a relationship to bear the weight of what they’re going through?
Firstly, give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling - whether anger, sadness, fear, grief or resentment. Often when we’re in the middle of the storm we run to consumption to cover over what we’re feeling, we get drunk we turn on the TV to shut things out. You can’t really run from what you’re feeling, by doing this you’re only prolonging your suffering. Instead, spend some time processing what you’re experiencing - you can do this through therapy, talking with friends or meditating on the emotions you’re feeling.
Which leads on to what might be the most difficult part of breaking up - fear of the future and specifically fear of being alone. This is a dangerous space to be in as it can drive you to rush into a new relationship at the most vulnerable time. Again, accept that you’re feeling afraid; feel it, don’t run from it. See the process of learning to be happy on your own as a necessarily step in your spiritual development. You can be happy without any external conditions, use this time to develop your mindfulness training so you can generate joy internally simply by breathing in and breathing out. Chris found great comfort in his meditation practice and so can you.
I’ve talked about attachment before on the show and how it can lead to suffering - the end of a relationship is a classic example of that. Seeing your attachment to your ex as a construct within your mind that's causing you suffering rather than something tangible or permanent is an important step. You can meditate on your attachment, smile to your attachment. Accepting the reality of here and now, as rough as that can be, requires you to identify and see your attachment for what it is - a mental construction that you can - with time - let go of.
And finally - feel compassion, understanding and forgiveness toward yourself and your partner who is suffering too. At times like this we can beat ourselves up, go over and over mistakes we think we’ve made, things we could have done differently. But this is a critical time to practice empathy towards yourself; moving on is a process of letting go of resentment you might feel towards your partner and anger you feel towards yourself. You are a good person, I don’t want you to suffer, so look at yourself through the eyes of compassion and understanding.
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